Another keepin it real edition-An Honest Look at Grief

Most of you know I had to say goodbye to my big guy Magnus this week.  With my family background being quite jacked up, for lack of a better term....this was really my first experience with dealing with the passing of a family member.  Because that is what pets are.  Family.  

We were truly blessed with 12.5 years with Mags.  He survived being hit by a car when he was 2.  And let's be real...he survived the same number of years with my ex as I did.  I know my ex loved him but also know he wouldn't have handled him well in his elderly years when he needed the care he did.  He barely could take care of him after the car incident and I happily tended to him.  There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for that dog.  A dog his size rarely makes it past ten.  So I know we were truly blessed with so much time with such a great dog.  

I was happy I had given him this early Christmas gift.  He always has loved new pillows.  It was his final resting place and it will remain in my bedroom for an unknown amount of time....likely years.  It will comfort me having a piece of him in my room as normal. 

This is his favorite chair to lay in.  Although I told the kid she could have this furniture when she moves out we both agree that his favorite chair stays.  We may move it to the loft upstairs but we won't get rid of it.  It holds a special place in my heart.  I will never forget it....we used to not allow Mags on the furniture.  Then one night Jason (the ex) left to go on a trip and he hadn't even pulled out of the driveway yet before Mags had climbed in that chair.  I looked at him and laughed and said "ok then, guess that's that."  It's been his ever since.  

Everyone that met the big guy loved him.  He truly had one of the sweetest personalities ever.  When he was hit by the car the vet who took care of him was just amazed at him because he would just lay there and let you do what needed to be done.  He was laid back and if he was in pain he rarely showed it.  He never made a sound after getting hit and had a compound fracture.  Not only the sweetest dog, but the strongest and bravest.  Ok, well he did hide in bathtubs if I raised my voice too loud.  

I knew this day was coming but nothing really prepares you.  I thought I was prepared.  But all this has shown me no matter how much you know a blow is coming, it still hurts in ways you can't predict.  I have tried to be strong for not only the kid but for Jazzie and in doing so realized sometimes being a strong and independent person makes me feel so very weak and alone. This has been one of the most lonely times for me.  I hate this time of year as is but this, it has just felt extra lonely.  I have talked to my mom for hours on the phone and it helps but it truly feels like a broken heart.  By the way I am not saying any of this to be "poor me, feel sorry for me" so please don't think that.  Typing some of my thoughts is therapeutic and I want to look at any positive take away from this experience.  Yes, it sucks. But I am not sharing in an effort for getting sympathy....most who will read this have already offered up sympathy and support. 

 I have been so very grateful for the support of those who have reached out and let me know they understand and offered up being there if needed. Funny enough a woman I have only known and worked with for the past few months, thousands of miles away made me feel incredibly supported.  Her and I have really clicked over how much we have in common and I wish we lived closer and could be friends since our situations are similar.  Of course many friends have wanted to band aid my heart and I appreciate them being there just when I need to say "man this really sucks." I know things will get better.  I hope because I am tired of crying!   Honestly to those who have offered such kind words and being there if I need anything...please know that means the world to me.  

 It's funny the things I think about...like I don't want to vacuum the floor because his hair won't be there to vacuum up next time. Little things like that which always drove me nuts don't even matter anymore.  I would rather have more days with him and a hairy floor than not.  I know it was time and the vet helped me know I was making the right decision.  But the guilt sets in for when I would get mad or wonder if I gave him enough attention.  Grief really makes you go through a whole range of emotions.  I still have Jasmine of course and I want to make sure life is as good for her as possible.  She's been enjoying daily outings.  She didn't get those much before because we always felt terrible that he couldn't go along and it felt unfair to leave him behind knowing he'd love to go a walk if he could.  So I am making sure she gets her beloved walks and runs daily now.  I know it wasn't fair to her that she missed out on those before too.

  I just wasn't prepared for how strange and different it feels.  Getting up in the middle of the night and worrying about stepping on his foot then remembering he isn't there.  I hear the kid crying in the middle of the night and my heart aches even more.  She grew up with him.  He took commands better from her than me.  He adored her and vice versa.  

So I guess what grief has really shown me...no matter how much you know something is coming and try to brace yourself....you don't really know what will happen or how you'll feel until it happens.  It's obviously harder for me now than him.  He is resting peacefully.  Selfishly, I don't want to feel everything that goes along with this process.  But I know I have to.  I have tried to numb the pain.  Last night we looked back at his pics and laughed about how much he loved ice cream cones, playing in the snow, and the time he thought he caught a squirrel and was so proud.  That stuffed squirrel is going in his memory box which I am looking forward to putting together.  But as we did this I had a few drinks, which I very, very rarely drink anymore.  It helped temporarily until I woke up in the middle of the night.  The pain was still there.  I know I have to feel the pain that goes with this process.  

I know this is a long ramble and people who aren't pet people may not get it.  The take away for me...you have to roll with whatever life throws your way.  I have learned not just through this but multiple experiences, I can't control everything.  And it's OK to not always be strong.  I am grateful that wanting to make life good for Jasmine will equate to me getting exercise.  I could easily hide out with Netflix for weeks but I do need to be strong in that respect for her.  Which in turn, she will be helping me without even knowing.  Dogs are the most selfless creatures.  A trait very rarely seen in humans.  I think that is part of what makes it so difficult saying goodbye to a pet.  Nobody has ever loved me like he did.  I hope he knows how loved he was in return.  

And that...is a real, honest, look at my grief right now. Possibly over sharing but hopefully a good reminder to not sweat the small stuff (like a little hair on the floor), and make sure your pets and loved ones know how much they mean to you. Like that saying goes....your pets are only part of your world...but to them...you are their world.  

Oh the small stuff....it truly is trivial.  A spilled soda...a muddy paw print...none of it matters when you have true love in your life.  And for me....my pets are the definition of true love.  

As a friend pointed out...I am so much more upset over this than getting divorced.  She is right.  Didn't shed a tear the day of my divorce.  Says a lot about that relationship.  My next relationship I want to be as close to the definition of true love as possible.  Nothing will ever compare to the love of a pet...but lord willing I won't have to deal with another loss like this for many, many years.  By then I hope to have someone by my side who will know I am a strong, strong person but sometimes I need someone to be strong for me.  

I know I will grieve for a long time.  I know he's resting peacefully and not in pain.  Just a little insight into my first true experience with grief.