Physical and mental strength

I signed up for this “seemed like a good idea at the time” journey to the stage in August.  I needed something new to focus on.  It started out with bulking to gain muscle and I thought that was hard.  Friends will tell you I was grouchy (truth) and depressed (truth) because bulking was awful for me.  I loved gaining muscle but feeling stuffed and cutting cardio was hard.  I counted down the days until I could eat less food.

Fast forward to January and I finally started cutting back on food slowly.  Now there became a new pressure of having a deadline to reach a low body fat.  My body doesn’t want to get to a low body fat naturally past a certain point...at least that is what it seems to be telling me at the moment.  So my current mental battle is facing losing body fat while maintaining muscle and dealing with cravings.  I would rather be hungry than stuffed so I still prefer this phase to bulking.  But I have never had a looming deadline of having to fit into a tiny swimsuit in five weeks.  And it is tiny.

I have also realized how much I use food as an escape.  If I am having a bad day I look forward to pizza and Netflix.  Chicken and veggies and Netflix isn’t real exciting.  So while I wasn’t binging on food before I was still using it to provide something that is missing.  I have read that sugar hits the same pleasure center in the brain that cocaine does.  So maybe it is a rush of good feelings that I am missing, even if they are temporary.  So I was depressed bulking and still fighting depression now.  Not to be "poor me" by any means but sharing the mental challenges this journey has brought with it.

Along the way there are some really good life lessons though.  Motivation, discipline, self-control, and not relying on others for approval to name a few.   Celebrate the small victories and don't let small set backs consume you.  Push yourself even when nobody else is there to watch.  Remember why you started and don't give up on yourself.  And never compare yourself to others.  Your journey isn't the same as theirs.  Prove to yourself you are stronger than you ever knew.  Physically and mentally.

Current empties and updates

This past week I was hit with a bad bug, maybe the flu?  I don't know but it knocked me on my butt.  I am finally on the mend.  Food doesn't repulse me and I have some energy again.  Looking forward to getting back to my routine again this week.  I've gone from bulking mode to cutting and have significantly decreased my calories which is awesome.  Bulking was really tough for me mentally.  More on that below.   

I have finished up a lot of supplements lately.  I still start every morning with my Spark from Advocare.  Mandarin Orange has been the flavor I've favored lately.  I finished up another Nerium Youth Factor supplement.  My favorite O2 Gold from Advocare which I just re-ordered.  I've started taking Cinnamon which is a metabolism support.  Nature's Fuel from Nutrishop which is a superfood/greens mix.  It doesn't taste the best but it is better than eating vegetables all day!  Advocare Omegaplex for Omega's and finally Stance ATP and ANX3 for my pre-gym supplements.  Supplements aren't necessary they just supplement a good diet an exercise program.  

Beauty/misc. I finished up 2 Suave dry shampoos.  For three bucks I feel like you just can't beat this dry shampoo.  I finally finished the Peter Thomas Roth pumpkin enzyme mask which I really like using once a week.  From Bath and Body Works I used up a Vanilla Bean Noel lotion.  Love this scent.  I used a Vanilla Snowflake candle which is also my favorite from the winter scents.  I also had a Vanilla Snowflake hand soap.  I finally burned the Happy Birthday Yankee candle from my birthday.  The Nivea lip butter is a must have.  Also a must have is the Maybelline Fit Me concealer.  Another face mask sample I used was the Glam Glo charcoal mask which I really like for breakouts.  I always use the Equate eye cream and have repurchased this bad boy.   I had a small Clinque eye cream which was nice but I just wasn't willing to spend the money on another one right now.  I bought the Body Merry neck cream from Amazon and didn't notice any crazy differences from using it so I probably won't buy this neck cream again.  Then I'm just throwing away a Maybelline Color Tattoo eye cream that has dried out too much to use.

In the past I used to post the price of these items but I currently am just too focused elsewhere to concentrate enough to.  The NPC Midwest fitness competition I'm training for is eight weeks away and it is consuming my thoughts.  For those that don't know, I started this fitness competition journey in August and started off by lean bulking which is an attempt to build muscle with minimal body fat gain.  I put on a good 12-15 pounds depending on the day.  Now I'm cutting weight and I need to shed about 16 pounds in the next eight weeks.  It is a bit overwhelming to have the deadline approaching, a swimsuit that I currently look ridiculous in, and a posing routine to learn on top of it all.  My calories went from 2,700 when bulking (which was pure misery) and slowly dropped back down.  This week I am down another 300 calories which I do fine with other than less energy for the gym.  I would much rather eat way less food than stuff myself like I had to do last year.  Bulking works because you have to be in a caloric surplus to build muscle but it really was a challenge for me.  While I liked building muscle, and didn't mind eating my way through the holidays, purposely eating more than I wanted to was not a mindset I was used to.  Now my challenge is to stay focused on working to shed fat without losing the muscle I put on.  It's amazing how aware I have become of days and time because of this process.  March 31st is only 54 days away!